How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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