I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
