She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
