I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
