I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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