he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
