The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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