her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
