after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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