Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
you never un-have a 4some
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
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