My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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