I wish I only lived at night.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
