Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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