ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
