I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
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