she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
