Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
whose parrot is this?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
