i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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