Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
