there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
