They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
God I need to hump something, right now.
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