the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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