I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
