so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
