so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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