my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
