Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
