I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
