he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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