I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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