The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
