1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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