Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i dont even know how to be here
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
