there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
