Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
