hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Just took my morning after pill in the library
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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