Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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