just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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