Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
40s are totally the cure
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
