My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
