Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
