how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
