Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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