Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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