my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
