One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Mom said you looked used
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
