i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
