I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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