To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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