Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
