you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
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Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
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You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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