he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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