Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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