I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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