I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
