If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just found puke in my bra..
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
