Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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