Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
