That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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