i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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