My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
